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How many other men of all ages were wanking looking at her at that very moment? My first thought was to burn the magazine, just in case Dad somehow saw it and dropped dead of heart failure. My second thought was whether it was possible to buy every copy in the world and burn the lot! In the end I hid it at the back of my wardrobe, with my other copies, went down to tea and tried to act normally in front of my parents, as if I didn't know that Granny Ward was the centrefold of a pornographic magazine.For two days I completely ignored the magazine and left it unread in the wardrobe, although in my mind it was glowing like a pile of unstable uranium. Finally I did take it out again. I'd just look at the other birds in it, I told myself. When I get to Gran's bit I'll just flick past it, as if it isn't there. But when I reached the 'Gladys' pages I gazed at each picture in turn, mesmerised. I tried to be objective about it. She was the oldest woman in the magazine, but she was also. .. social settings. In entertaining Dennis, who she told me was quite generous and well worth the cost of a bottle of gin, she had provided him with several glasses from that bottle. The consequence was that on the way home Dennis was stopped by the police and, since they said his driving was a little erratic, they requested that he blow into their little machine, followed by a ‘request’ to accompany them to the police station to give a blood sample. The upshot was that he was charged with driving whilst over the permitted limit.Now I happen to know that he was very unhappy about this, and that he told his wife that he had been in the Conservative Club – for non UK citizens that is a club for members of the eponymous political party. Now I happen to know this because Dennis’s wife, a delightful lady to whom he paid insufficient attention in the bedroom and who was accordingly forced to seek solace elsewhere, told me about it a couple of day’s later when we were taking a break during.
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